


My Heart, My Soul, My Undoing

by ascott5110



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Character Death, M/M, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 06:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1142339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascott5110/pseuds/ascott5110
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Kirk was Leonard McCoy's Heart, Soul, and his Undoing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Heart, My Soul, My Undoing

**Author's Note:**

> Angst angst angst. My feels are in a jumble because of the movie The Highlander and Friends With Kids, and the fact Netflix only has 4 seasons of Criminal Minds and I can't even.
> 
> PS: I do not own the characters  
> PPS: This story DOES NOT have a happy ending, so keep your tissues handy, also, there is suicide and self-hate in this so please be warned.

It had been 2 years today that Leonard McCoy had met James Kirk. 

2 years today that he fell in love with James Kirk.

Leonard had been through a shitty ass divorce, and he knew after that, there wasn't going to be another woman. Every single time he even  _looked_ at a woman, he remembered the pain, the drinking, and the sadness they cause. So he wasn't suprised when he sat down on the shuttle that day at Riverside Shipyard and felt himself falling when he looked into an incredible pair of blue eyes. He was sure he was fucked, because a kid like that just can't be gay, and certainly can't feel anything for a drunkard like Leo. 

Damn was he right.

He planned a dinner and everything, he decided that he would tell his bestfriend he was in love with him, it had been 2 years for God's sake, and he knew Jim saw men as well as women, so why not just put it on the table, right? Right. The worst that could happen is he says no and wants to stay friends. So he cooks dinner, and opens a bottle of bourbon, and lights the candles and waits for Jim to come home from classes. He didn't have to wait long.

"Bones! I'm home! Jesus, classes sucked ass today, almost shot myself in the face from boredom." Jim walked into the dining room and stopped. "Damn Bones, someone die?" He eyed the bottle of bourbon on the table. "Thats your best bourbon. Someone defintely died." Bones shook his head and stood up, giving his friend a hug. "No one died, Jim. I-I just think we should talk about something." Bones mumbled, and gestured for Jim to sit down. "Sure thing Bones, whats up?" Jim asked with a smile. Bones took a deep breath before sitting down. His palms were sweaty, and his leg couldn't stop shaking, he was so nervous. "Jim. It's 2 years today, that uh, that we met. I just thought, you know, that I should do something nice and all." He said, his eyes flickering up to his best friends before licking his lips and continuing. "When I met you, I had just been through a hell of a divorce, an' I was in a world of pain. But, through it all, you have always been the light at the end of the tunnel. After Jocelyn, I couldn't handle being with a woman, Lord knows I tried, but I couldn't do it. I changed, Jimmy, for the worse, an' then I met you, an' I changed for the better. I guess-I guess what I'm trying to say is that I...I love you, Jim." Bones finished, looking straight into his best friends eyes. Jim had stopped eating, his eyes bigger than saucers, mouth wide open. "Bones I-I uh, don't know what to say." Jim said, slowly, looking anywhere but at his bestfriend. Bones shifted in his chair, getting nervous. Different scenarios running through his head, Jim leaving, Jim never speaking to him again, Jim being disgusted, none of them happy thoughts at all. "Bones. I am touched you think that way about me, and I'm so glad I helped you through Jocelyn and everything but um- I'm seeing someone, and its looking really serious, and I just don't really think of you that way." Jim said nervously. "Look, maybe I should go? I told Carol I would meet her tonight, we sorta had a date?" Jim said, standing to leave. Leonard could barely breathe. He just nodded and stood up, walking into his bathroom. How? How could he be that stupid? What possesed him to think anyone, let alone Jim Kirk, would ever love  _him?_ He was jaded, messed up, and stupid. He blindly gave Jim Kirk his heart, and had it crushed in front of his face. He let a tear fall before angrily wiping it away. That would be the one and only tear he would shed for James Kirk, he told himself. 

It almost worked

~-~

2 years since the Khan incident, since he saved his bestfriends life, and still Jim denied any affections he had for Leonard. Which wasn't suprising, Leonard never tricked himself into thinking Jim would ever love him, especially not now, not since Carol Marcus had joined the Enterprise crew. He supposed Carol was nice enough, and he was suprised to find he didn't hate her, no no no, not at all, he simply wished he was her. He wanted what she had, and had long ago come to terms with the fact that he would never have Jim for himself. He smiled at her when they passed in the corridor, and made small talk at lunch when neccessary. 

It still hurt like a bitch when he saw them together.

If he saw them hug, or kiss, or saw Carol run into Medbay when the Captain had gotten into an accident, he would go to his quarters and drown his sorrow in bottle after bottle of whatever was lying around. It was his bestfriend when Joce didn't love him, and its his bestfriend when Jim doesn't love him. He still hasn't shed a single tear for Jim, who slowly distanced himself from Leonard, only ever talking to him when professionally neccessary or he needed treatment for something, and even then he usually sought out Chapel for something like that. 

He would just open another bottle, not even bothering with a glass anymore. 

He had given James Kirk his soul, and he hated himself for it, because how do you get your soul back from someone who doesn't know he has it?

~-~

"Bones! Just the man I was looking for. Spock, Uhura, and some guys from security are going down to a planet for trading negotiations, and we need the CMO to distribute some hyposprays for a disease some of the planet's residents have." Jim said, peeking his head into Bones' office. "I'll be on the transporter pad in 5." Bones said without looking up. "Thanks Bones!" Jim replied, closing the door behind him. Bones rubbed his eyes and got up, putting together various hyposprays and tucking a phaser into the waistband of his pants, just in case. The whole thing sounded fishy to him, a disease hadn't even been specified, but he didn't dare mention this to his Captain, like he would listen anyways, it simply wasn't in his Captain's nature to turn his back on anybody for any reason. Except for him of course, he didn't seem to mind that he destroyed Leonard's life, just like Jocelyn did. 

 

He wasn't exactly sure when things went wrong, but Jesus did things go wrong. Several members of the security team were down, and he and Jim were defending from behind a rock, Jim still attempting to contact the Enterprise to no avail. They had jammed their comm signals, and the only person who could un-jam them was on the planet with them, Bones knew they were royally fucked, and he knew that this wasn't going to end well at all. 

He heard it before he saw it. "CAROL!" Jim's voice, broken and breathy, was what alerted Bones. He looked over the rock in time to see Carol Marcus' body hit the ground, and turned his head to see his Captain move from behind the rock. "Jim! NO!" Leonard lunged for his Captain, but he was simply not fast enough. Jim had ran right into the middle of a battle, and was rewarded with a phaser hitting him dead in the chest. Leonard's eyes widened, and he rushed out to grab Jim's body before it hit the ground, dragging it back behind the rock. He cradled Jim's head in his lap, and checked his pulse. It was weak, just barely there, and in that moment, Bones knew. He knew Jim wasn't going to make it. "Jim, Jim. I need you to stay with me, stay with me darlin' okay? Just keep your eyes open, Scottys' gonna get us out of here, just hold on." Bones said, looking at his Captain. Blue eyes met Leonard's hazel ones, and Jim's mouth opened. "Bones. I-I know I won't make it." He rasped, eyes fluttering. "No. No, don't say that, you are, I promise." Bones said firmly. "Just keep your eyes open, you have to keep your eyes open. Talk to me darlin', just keep talkin to me, I love to hear your voice Jimmy." He whispered, tears swimming in his eyes. Bones always knew that it would end like this, on some foreign planet, powerless to save the only person he truly loved enough to follow into the dark of space. "Bones, I'm so sorry. I know that you love me. I wis-wish I could have loved you back. Maybe i-in another life. You have to keep living Bones, find a way without me." Leonard felt for a pulse, and his heart dropped into his stomach when he felt it had only slowed. "Jim," He sobbed, "You idiot. I can't find a way without you. Every single thing I have ever done has been for you.  _Every. Single. Thing._ You have to keep breathing Jim, don't let go. Please." Bones was desperate now, his promise to himself to never cry over James Kirk forgotten as he held his dying bestfriend in his arms. Jim looked Bones in the eye and took one last breath. "I'm sorry Bones." Jim said, as he felt Jim's heart stop, as he felt himself being beamed aboard the Enterprise, he felt his reason for living die with Jim, his Jim. Emotionally comprimised be damned, he screamed and buried his face in Jim Kirk's gold command shirt and sobbed, letting every ounce of pain and love leave his body through his tears, and didn't even fight when he felt Spock pull him off his Captain's body. 

He returned to his quarters, and drank one final bottle in honour of James Tiberius Kirk. 

 _'Jim was my undoing'_  

Was the last thing he thought before he finally managed to kick the chair out from under himself. 


End file.
